The baby was possibly more prepared than I was, judging by the nursery activites
1. Although you feel properly dressed for the first time in twelve months (no spit-up crusty dressing gown! no nursing bra! no misshapen slippers!) and haven't been anywhere near your baby for eight hours, somehow you'll still find a soggy rice cake stuck to your derriere or the florescent crumbs of Organix carrot sticks (aka fake wotsits) on the shoulder of your brand new suit
2. You'll be the first to shout 'don't worry, I've got a baby wipe!' at the sound of any spillage in the office. And jokingly laugh, to the sound of tumbleweed, that you also have several different sized nappies in your bag should anyone in the team need one
3. You'll glance back in the rear view mirror on the way to work and have a moment of abject panic when the baby seat is empty... before realizing the baby is safely ensconced in nursery and not, as usual, trying to undo the seat belt just as you're joining the motorway
4. You'll spend at least half an hour wondering how far to take the cheery 'no, do phone us anytime!' mantra of the nursery. Or spend at least half an hour thinking up increasingly elaborate excuses to call to check on your little ones progress
5. You'll try so hard not to talk about your baby at every office conversation. Frankly impossible considering every conversation you've had in the last twelve months has been about your baby. You literally have no other material
6. You'll spend most of your first week back wondering how many pictures of your bundle of joy should adorn your desk... And whether it is polite to encroach on your colleague's desk with your variety of pictures frames or whether you could replace the insipid, dull posters reminding everyone to recycle with splodgy paintings of your baby's feet
7. You'll decide it doesn't matter whatsoever if you get a speeding ticket on the way home or a parking ticket from double-parking outside the nursery: HECK, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR BABY ALL DAY!
Sound familiar? Anything I've missed?