Kate's Cakes and Bakes Rules of Picnics
1. Never Plan Ahead
The Universal Laws of Picnics (Subsection 2.1) states that if you will plan ahead, it will rain on your picnic. Subsection 2.1 Part III, which provides a little more weather-related detail, advises no more than twelve hours planning ahead and these twelve hours should be spent glued to the weather forecast, updating the screen at least every two minutes while cautiously saying 'I think it might not rain'.
2. Picnic on Flat Ground
Picnic on an angle greater than 1 degrees and you'll spend the entire time convinced you are falling backwards. And that'll be before you've started on the Pimms and the world inevitably becomes more wobbly.
3. Always Take a Rug
Or something to sit on. Even a Tesco carrier bag will do. Otherwise the grass stains on your new summer frock will make it appear as though you've been partaking in far less innocent pastimes than spending two hours eating your body weight in scotch eggs.
4. Make Friends with Wasps
Subsection 6.8 entitled 'How to Care for Wasps and Other Bothersome Insects' suggests making friends with wasps, bees and other irksome insects by providing goodies for them. Pile small portions of each item of food you're tucking into on a plate at a distance of at least ten metres for their delectation. Make sure to include a few drops of a drink, preferably an alcoholic one- the wasps will soon begin to enjoy themselves too.
5. Bring bitesize foods
Picnics are not the place for Michelin-style fifteen course taster meals, fancy-pants foodie creations or any food item you can't eat in two bites in a civilized fashion with your fingers. Unless you happen to live the life of say, the Crawley family living at Downton Abbey and your picnics are constructed by your cook, served by your Butler and cleared up by your Head Housemaid while your Second Footman.....actually what does your Second Footman do?! If this is you, please can you let me know what your Second Footman does and please may I come along to your picnic?
6. Any Organised Fun Should Take Place After Eating
Organised Fun, such as frisbee, rounders or ball games should always take place after the food has been consumed. Otherwise your enjoyment of your cocktail sausages may be impaired somewhat by the fear of Frisbee Face, a rather self-explanatory condition.
Apologies for sounding like the Anti-Picnic-Fun Police in that last rule, but I've had Frisbee Face. It was a traumatizing experience. What are your picnic rules?
These Picnic Rules are in honour of this month's Forever Nigella blogging challenge, hosted this month by Helen from Fuss Free Flavours. The brilliant theme, you may have guessed, is food for picnics. After a happy read of Nigella's backcatalogue I choose to attempt to make Nigella's Cornish Pasties, which she describes eating at a picnic on the Helford River in Cornwall with some crisps, cold beer and a jar of spiced apple chutney.
I ate them in the rain in Maida Vale with out of date brown sauce while dodging frisbees.
The recipe can be found in Nigella's How to Be a Domestic Goddess.
- I swopped the swede for carrot. Which may be highly illegal in Cornwall, I'm sorry.
- This is the perfect picnic food- like an entire meal in a few yummy bites
- Although they are a bit fiddly to make. As you can see from the pictures, mine turned out rather crumbly
- Other Ginger Beers are available to buy
- Rather than play Frisbee (yes, I'm scared of them and really don't like them) try the following Organised Fun: a Cornish Pie eating contest!
- No further sightings of Nigella to report I'm afriad.